Don Garber, MLS Awards Final Four MLS Expansion Franchises

The media scrum after this afternoon's announcement. - USA TODAY Sports

MLS Commissioner Don Garber today announced the four expansion teams he said were coming at this year's All-Star Game.

NEW YORK -- It certainly didn't take long for MLS to find four more expansion teams.

League Commissioner Don Garber today announced four new expansion teams, and they're all set for the Big Apple. Brooklyn FC, Woking FC New York, Monster Staten Island and The Football Club of the City, County and State of New York will all begin play in the coming years and will all be located in New York City.

"For too long New Yorkers haven't had a team to call their own," Garber said at a press conference this afternoon. "Residents of this great city deserve an MLS team and, quite frankly, asking them to go see the Newark Red Bull Stars, let alone think about that train wreck of an organization, is far, far beneath them."

Brooklyn FC will begin play in 2016 and, in a drastic change of league ownership policy, the team will sell shares to individuals living in the borough of Brooklyn. The team, initial shareholders say, will focus on playing "artisinal," "locally sourced" soccer. The team will also strive to be "gluten free," though team officials weren't yet sure if that was possible.

"Residents of this great city deserve an MLS team and, quite frankly, asking them to go see the Newark Red Bull Stars, let alone think about that train wreck of an organization, is far, far beneath them." -Don Garber

"Major League Soccer is thrilled to welcome a team that will, certainly, have the league's most insufferable fan base," Garber said. "You thought Sounders and Timbers fans were bad? Wait until this team comes into the league and it's fans not only own the team, but have a smug sense of superiority because they pay $3,000 a month to live in an apartment so small even North Korea thinks it's a human rights abuse."

Joining the Brooklyn side in 2016 is Woking FC New York, the New York branch of English Conference National side Woking FC, a side from suburban London.

"New York is truly a great sports town," said Woking FC Chairman Mike Smith. "When we learned that an MLS was engaged in a desperate, shortsighted rush to pack as many teams into New York as possible because to try and gain relevance in that area instead of working with existing teams, we jumped on it.."

Reportedly, Woking FC New York is already looking at bringing in the parent club's 35-year-old Seychellen midfielder Kevin Betsy as the team's first designated player.

The third team announced, Monster Staten Island, will play in the city's southernmost borough. While the team will not being play until 2017 Monster Beverage CEO Rodney Sacks is already excited at the prospect of his MLS side taking the field.

"SOCCER! WE'RE GOING TO USE OUR FEET! SCORE GOALS! FUCK YEAH!" Sacks screamed, energy drink dribbling down his chin.

Sacks drove an electric green monster truck adorned with a large, stylized "M" on the sides through the wall of MLS headquarters mid-press conference, where he addressed reporters by screaming from the truck's driver seat.

"RED BULL GIVES YOU WINGS? WELL MONSTER GIVES YOU BALLS. HUGE BALLS," he yelled at the assembled press. "AND A GIANT DICK."

Sacks punctuating his remarks by screaming "SOCCER" before making a loud, unintelligible, guttural noise, fist-pumping and speeding away.

In the past, teams were required to have both a stadium plan in place and make a substantial investment in the form of an expansion fee before entering the league. However, none of the aforementioned teams have satisfied either criteria, said league sources who declined to be identified.

The most egregious case is that of The Football Club of the City, County and State of New York (TFCCCSNY), where in addition to lacking a stadium plan and payment of an expansion fee, no owner has been found. Garber said the plan was to have everything place further down the line, as the situation was too good to pass up.

The plan, the league commissioner said, was to have TFCCCSNY play in a stadium suspended 2,000 feet above the island of Manhattan by helicopters.

"Unless I was missing some kind of social cue, both mayoral candidates, Joe Lhota and Bill de Blasio, have voiced unequivocal support for the plan," Garber said. "I mean, i'm not the best with sarcasm, but they both said they would personally make that plan happen and that it was way too good a chance to pass up. They both seemed really, really sincere about it."

- - -

The above is clearly a work of fiction.

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