Who are you and what have you done with the New York Red Bulls?

Look, I don't know who you are, what your motives are or how you're doing it, but cut it out already. This Invasion of the Body Snatchers shit you're pulling with the New York Red Bulls has got to stop.

I get that getting our hopes up just to dash them in the end is probably a barrel of laughs for you and the rest of your alien spaceship and/or coven of witches and/or cabal of reptilian shapeshifters, but it's not all that fun for us, the team's long-suffering fans.

We're not used to this. The Red Bulls don't "get hot at the right time." They don't "show promise." They just kind of get into the playoffs, lay down, twitch a bit and watch their opponent stroll to the next round.

The 2014 iteration of the team especially. This squad has been streaky, inconsistent and frustrating. They played half the year as if they were still playing pre-season friendlies. They got into the playoffs thanks to, partially, a really terrible Eastern Conference.

That is, until you showed up with your anal probes and/or witchcraft and/or lizard influence, morphing the team from chronic underachievers -- you know, the kind of team we've all become accustomed to watching over the years -- to a team that looks...good.

This doesn't happen to the New York Red Bulls, nor did it happen to the MetroStars before them. Since the team's inception in 1996, the only New York-area team to make the playoffs as many times as the MetroBulls has been the New York Yankees. But unlike the Yankees, the law of averages was not on our side. In that period, the Yankees won five World Series titles. The MetroStars/Red Bulls have a grand total of one MLS Cup final appearance to their name, in 2008.

That's not even a win. That's a gold star just for showing up to the then-Home Depot Center to get beat by the Columbus Crew.

Oh, and this team has only advanced into the final four twice, once in 2000 and once in 2008.

Forgive me for calling out whatever extraterrestrial and/or supernatural and/or esoteric influences you're putting on this team, but I'm sure you realize what should be happening to this team right about now. Thierry Henry should've checked out and be sunning himself on some Mediterranean beach somewhere. Bradley Wright-Phillips should have, in the most stupefying way possible, totally forgotten how to kick a soccer ball. If this were any other playoff campaign, Lloyd Sam would have forgotten how to run by now, and not only would Richard Eckersley have regressed back to his early season form, but he would have suffered a horrible industrial accident rendering him legless. Jamison Olave would have six red cards, somehow, in just two games.

So, yeah, I'm not buying this. And I'm not getting my hopes up, since this all feels like some elaborate cosmic joke. At some point, the other shoe is going to drop, and we'll all be left frustrated and heartbroken. You know, the natural state for most Red Bulls fans.

So whoever you are, just back off, alright? We're perfectly capable of botching this all on our own.