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Offseason Fallout, or how the New York Red Bulls would handle the MLS wasteland

How would Dax do in the wasteland? What faction would he choose? (Yes, we actually tried to make a face for him in the game.)

Jason Iapicco/Fallout 4

For those of you who don't follow the video game scene nowadays, there's this game the kids talking about called Fallout 4. In the game, you live in the wasteland of Massachusetts back in 2077, where upon the start on the Third World War, you and your family rush to a Vault to survive the nuclear fallout. Unbeknownst to you at the time, the Vault is just an excuse for a company called Vault-Tec to experiment with Cryogenic Freezing. You are woken up at some point to observe your child being kidnapped from another cryogenic chamber, with you going back to sleep and eventually waking up a total of 210 years into the future, thrust into the wasteland of Massachusetts aka "The Commonwealth".

Your success in the post-nuclear world depends on how you design your character according to seven attributes: Strength, Perception, Endurance, Charisma, Intelligence, Agility, and Luck, aka, what makes you SPECIAL (warning: link is for mature audiences)? Since we are in the MLS Offseason, aka the "Wasteland", it's worth taking a look at the Red Bulls, and see what makes them SPECIAL, setting themselves up for 2016.

Each player gets 28 points towards their SPECIAL attributes. One point must go towards each attribute, leaving 21 points to be distributed among the seven attributes. Here's how we designed each character:

Player Strength Perception Endurance Charisma Intelligence Agility Luck Reasoning
Luis Robles 3 5 1 1 7 7 4 Agility, intelligence, and perception, all traits you expect from a GK.
Kemar Lawrence 5 5 7 1 6 3 1 When a fullback has to join the attack, he needs to be able to run a lot, and know when not to.
Damien Perrinelle 6 4 4 5 5 2 2 Leaders need charisma, and being the strong doesn't hurt either.
Matt Miazga 5 5 4 3 7 2 2 More of a finese player than Perrinelle, but he's very intelligent about where he needs to be.
Sal Zizzo 4 3 6 3 4 3 5 Zizzo doesn't have to be anything special, but he does need to run a lot, and could use a lot of luck.
Dax McCarty 5 5 7 3 5 1 2 The captin is asked to do a lot of running, helping to protect the back line as well as help in the attack.
Felipe Martins 4 6 7 2 5 2 2 He's basically McCarty, if Dax was Brazilian and a little more agile.
Mike Grella 3 4 5 2 4 5 5 You don't have the year Grella did (given his career thus far) without luck.
Sacha Kljestan 4 4 5 5 6 2 2 When you are the focal point of the attack, charisma and intelligence are at a premium.
Lloyd Sam 3 5 5 1 5 7 2 That cutback chop move....
Bradley Wright-Phillips 3 4 4 1 4 7 5 As a striker, with Bradley's frame, it's better to be slippery and lucky than strong.

What do you think of our ratings? Can these players survive the wasteland? Let us know in the comments.