Kolo Toure Signs Extension with Liverpool, Disappoints Millions of New Yorkers

Like every single resident of the continental United States, I was thrilled to hear the wild rumor a month or so ago that Liverpool centerback Kolo Toure was a target of Red Bulls recruitment and might be joining MLS in the summer. We needed some defensive help. We needed some veteran leadership. But most importantly, we needed joy and laughter.

Kolo Toure would have brought all of this to our beloved soccer squad, and more. For he is Kolo Toure: treasured by fans...

... part-owner of Cristiano Ronaldo...

... and getter-into of zany sitcom-esque capers.

And despite various reports from the Red Bulls camp, the Liverpool camp, the Toure camp, Camp David, and Camp Anawanna all claiming that Ivorian defender Kolo Toure would not, in fact, be playing for New York this summer, I held out hope that everyone was wrong, all our dreams can come true, and he would be suiting up in Harrison on July 8th.

However, this hope has been crushed like waves of attackers against a Toure-led defensive bulwark. The Merseyside club announced today that Kolo has signed a new 12-month contract extension with Liverpool.

#LFC are pleased to announce Kolo Toure has signed an extension to his contract with the club. pic.twitter.com/398GTvStdg

— Liverpool FC (@LFC) May 26, 2015

Dry your tears, for not all is lost. We can still watch Kolo through the magic of cable or satellite television, but I can't help but feel something special was denied us today. Just like the plot from classic film "Sliding Doors," we are now in the parallel universe where Gwyneth Paltrow catches the train, finds her boyfriend cheating on her, and gets hit by a car for some reason.

Why do you think we should have signed Kolo Toure? Why would he have been so wholly fantastic in every way imaginable? Where is the mercy of a just god that we were promised? Sound off in the comments!