Report: New York Red Bulls Announce Seat Reduction Plan to Meet Demand

After lackluster crowds attended all three of the New York Red Bulls' 2017 home games to date (if you thought attendance was poor for the last game against Real Salt Lake, cast your mind back to the season-opening CONCACAF Champions League game in February), the club has a plan that might fix its persistent RBA attendance issues once and for all.

Per the club's official YouTube account, RBNY's plan to get RBA looking full is devastatingly simple: the club will remove several thousand seats from the stadium.

"Fans have been clamoring for us to get the stadium filled but we just can't seem to get enough of them out to games," said RBNY sporting director, Dennis Hamlet. "So if we can't bring more fans in, we will take some chairs out."

"Now when we have 16,000 fans at Red Bull Arena for a game, the stadium will be at least 80% full as opposed to just 64% full.

"We will of course need to raise ticket prices by about 50-200 percent to fund the project, but our fans are much too loyal to stop coming to games over a simple issue as 'price.'

"By year's end, Red Bull Arena will be the most well-attended MLS stadium in the entire state of New Jersey."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the team advised the seat-removal plan will commence when New York City FC next visits Red Bull Arena. "No one knows why, but NYCFC fans have a proven appetite for stadium seats - we're thinking we can get them to carry away at least 3,000 with the right incentives."

Several members of the organization weighed in on the historic stadium announcement:

Head coach Jessie Marsh

I'm really looking forward to seeing what the new stadium looks like on the big screen TV at my new house in Austria. *Hamlet whispers in his ear* Ahem.... Of course, my purchase of a house 15 minutes from Salzburg has no bearing on my future. I am 100 percent committed to Red Bull Salz-- I mean the New York Red Bulls. Yes sir.

Red Bulls captain Sasha Klesjan

This is really going to be a game-changer, not just for the fans but for the players. Now when the team loses a playoff game or I miss a penalty kick there are going to be way fewer boos. I think that'll give us a real edge.

Red Bulls goalkeeper Louis Robless

Our fans have proven time and time again that they are among the best in all of sports. After all, what other fanbase would allow their club to sell three star players without having any plan to replace them?

All the best for April 1, readers.