In a new feature at OaM, our podcast correspondent Ross Haley will periodically give us a brief taste of some of the spiciest conversations happening in the vast landscape of New York Red Bulls fan podcasts.
This week, an excerpt from Red Bull Power Hour, a podcast that adds an emotional edge to the usual RBNY scuttlebutt. Check in as Henry, Mitchell, and Bob discuss what shape RBNY transfer strategy should take in the months to come:
Red Bull Power Hour – Episode 237: The Big Transfer Spectacular
The Red Bull Power Hour has existed since 2012 and once considered inviting on a female guest. Their topic of the week was dream transfers.
Mitchell: If you don’t like the way I run the show, then stop doing it. We don’t need you. We have plenty to talk about.
Henry: All right, then. Fine. F***.
[Skype call ending noise.]
Mitchell: We don’t need him. The show is better without him on it. Right, Bob?... Right, Bob?... Bob?
Mitchell: So as we were discussing, who do the Red Bulls need this summer? I was thinking that they could use another creative midfielder in support of Kaku. Maybe someone like Yahvi.
Mitchell: You know, Yahvi. The guy who used to play for Barcelona. I think we were linked to him a few years ago.
Bob: Oh, Xavi.
Mitchell: That’s what I said. Yahvi. So, I think we could sign him, maybe have him play as an attacking midfielder.
Bob: I don’t think he’s a good fit.
Mitchell: Why not?
Bob: Because he retired last year.
Mitchell: Oh… well, what about Yossi Benayoun?
Mitchell: John O’Shea?
Mitchell: Didier Drogba?
Bob: Oh come on.
Bob: Are you f***ing with me? You know he’s retired. What’s the point of this show? You ask Henry and I to prepare for this episode by reading up on potential transfers for the Red Bulls. I do three hours of research and prepare all of my notes only for you to kick Henry off and to do this stupid game. Why are we even here?
Mitchell: I honestly didn’t know they retired.
Bob: You didn’t know? You’re always so smug and superior, lashing out at us, but you didn’t know they retired? Have you been following soccer at all? These are massive names.
Mitchell: I… haven’t watched soccer in three years. Not since…
Mitchell: Yeah, not since…
Bob: I thought you were seeing a therapist about that.
Mitchell: I’ve seen several therapists. It hasn’t gotten better. Nothing gets better. You two don’t talk to me outside of this show, work feels completely pointless now that I’m not saving for a child, and all I can feel is this dreadful sense of longing for a life I’m too old to pursue. And I’m supposed to sit here and talk about the New York Red Bulls? You couldn’t humor me just a little and say, “Yeah, man, Xavi would be a great signing”?
Bob: Yeah, man, Xavi would be a great si-
Mitchell: You can’t say it now! It has to be organic!
Bob: We could always stop doing the show. Our listener numbers have been declining. I don’t think it would really matter.
Mitchell: It matters to me!
Bob: What if we take the next few weeks off, you sort things out, and when you’re feeling better, we come back and do this again?
Mitchell: Why couldn’t you just agree that Xavi would be a good signing? He wouldn’t have even required a Designated Player contract.
[Bob sighs, mustering up the energy to continue the charade that has kept his former friend from truly going off the deep end.]
Bob: Even if he wasn’t retired, he’s too slow for the high press.
Mitchell: MAYBE THE TEAM COULD USE SOME ENTERTAINERS TO EXCITE THE FAN BASE AND PLAY SOME JOGA BONITO. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. I love you.
Red Bull Power Hour continues to produce episodes at an increasingly declining quality. Henry never returned to the show and Bob is trying to find a way to extricate himself without further damaging Mitchell’s mental health. They have yet to cross 100 listeners or attract a sponsor.