Report: hat worn by RBNY goalie in match; is possible vessel for cryptically vengeful energy

In one of the more disorienting turn of events in recent Metro history, OaM sources can confirm that newly-signed goalkeeper David Jensen wore a baseball cap in the net for the second half of Sunday’s 3-2 victory over FC Cincinnati at Red Bull Arena.

Jensen, making his club debut after signing earlier in the year from Dutch side FC Utrecht, kept a clean sheet through halftime without a hat, displaying a short shock of light brown hair to go with a bright orange kit that neatly rendered his jersey number invisible. But as Jensen returned to the pitch for the second half, with the 40-degree early March afternoon in New Jersey subjecting the newly-signed Dane to the most intense sunlight of his entire life, he was adorned with what appeared to be an RBNY-branded stiff-brim baseball cap.

The hat appeared to be a heather-patterned red. While early speculation seemed to imply that the hat used is part of the official New Era line recently introduced in the stadium gift shops, different theories have surfaced in the hours following the 3-2 victory capped by Daniel Royer’s dribbling finish in the 70th minute.

OaM sources have raised the possibility that the hat may have been the same one wore by former keeper Jon Conway in the mid-00s. The shading patterns seen by many in press photos of Jensen, these fearful and reluctant sources claim, are just as likely to be the weathered sweat stains of a hat passed on from keeper to keeper in New York for as long as the last 15 years.

Photo by Chris Trotman/Getty Images for New York Red Bulls

While tangling with legendary striker Carlos Ruiz in the above photo from a 2008 match against LA Galaxy, Conway is wearing an almost-identical RBNY athletic cap. Ruiz holds up five fingers in what is surely a gesture complimenting Conway’s five-star hat, lending credence to the theories that the hat’s cosmic aura has compelled RBNY equipment staff to maintain careful and shrouded possession of it in an excalibur-esque spiritual tradition.

While the hat worn by Conway appears to show the extended motion swoosh trailing from the bull featured in the earlier version of the RBNY crest (the logo was re-designed in 2008), the poor quality of 2000s millinery means the stitching could have easily worn off in the decade-plus before Jensen’s unsheathing of it. The immediate unraveling of Conway’s life in the years since leaving RBNY, documented in the video below, lends additional credibility to the claim of the hat’s vengeful power when used without prudence and care.

Proponents of what trained psychics call the “Loc-Nar Red Bulls hat theory” posit that the morally toxic hat is only used when it telepathically possesses the club goalkeeping coach with a foreboding vision, typically involving immediate danger to the keeper. While Jensen conceded two goals in the second half of Sunday, the deployment of the hat is a possible signal that a far more sinister disaster may have been averted, and that Jensen himself shares some of the hat’s mystic energy.

While the hat is reported to have been stored and maintained by equipment staff during both the Giants Stadium and RBA eras, responsibility for communication with the omnipotent polyester ballcap rests solely with the goalkeeping coach, with the hat’s fickle and sadistic energy reportedly at the center of events that led to Des McAleenan’s removal from the staff in early 2011.

OaM will attempt to confirm whether the use of the hat was a reaction to bright sun hitting the north end of RBA during a 1pm kickoff or the result of Jensen’s identification as possessor of a vulnerable shining-like psychic power in press conferences and training facility comments early this week.

Photo by John Jones/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images