The signing of Thierry Henry and the front office saying "the phones have been ringing off the hook" with new ticket buyers, it's easy to deduce there are new fans directly influenced by the inclusion of the Frenchman.  As such, I find it is time to lay down some rules to all of you.  These aren't rules for this website, they are rules of being a Red Bulls fan.  

1. MUST HATE DC: This should be a no brainer, they are our biggest rival in the East.  They're no good lousy cheaters and you must hate them.  Their fans are terrible people who smell like a New Brunswick basement. Remind them about how they are homeless and playing at RFK stadium.  But you have to hate DC.  They are not "DC United" they are "DC SCUM!".  This is the most important rule.

2. MUST HATE DC: I just want to make sure you understand how important this is.  You seriously need to hate DC.

3. MUST HATE PHILLY: You really shouldn't need a rule to hate any team from Philly.  It's the worst city on Earth and as a New York or New Jersey resident, you shouldn't have any reason to visit unless you have family living there.  Their fans will often bring up how Sons of Ben (their support group) is louder than Red Bull supporters, this is an obviously delusional statement.  Any response you have will be valid so feel free to use some creativity.

4. RED BULL ARENA IS OUR HOME: Defend our home.  Not in a Green Street Hooligans kind of way, but don't you dare let traveling supporters out cheer you.  This also should be a no brainer.

5. JOIN A SUPPORT CLUB: The South End of the stadium (South Ward) is where our supporters congregate.  In 133 you have Garden State Supporters (I am a member of this group), in 101 you'll see Empire Supporter's Club (the largest METRO support club), and section 102 has La Banda Imperial (I'll admit, I'm not familiar with these guys).  All three groups are always looking for more members.  I'd suggest you sneak into those sections if you are interested and talk to members about joining.  I do know that GSS meets at MMMBellos before games (right outside of Newark Pennstation on Market Street) and ESC pregames at El Pastor.  

FAQ after the jump...

Where do I get team news?

There are many places to read about the team besides this website.  The oldest site is Metrofanatic.com which has been around since 2001.  They have a message board with some pretty good discussion about the team.  You'll have to sift through the "Fire _____" whenever the team has a loss, but generally it's a good way to converse with fans.  Other sites I'd frequent are thevipersnest.com and bigsoccer.com

Can you tell me more about these support groups?

Sure, I'm going to be writing about them this week with information on how they formed and what the main differences are.

This is a satire piece and in no way reflects the opinions of anyone at SBNation.com, but you should hate DC.