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Is Connor Lade’s Chipotle order RalfBall compliant?

Ross Haley asks the difficult questions.

Taco Bell Menu Items, Headquarters And Restaurant Shoot Photo by Joshua Blanchard/Getty Images for Taco Bell

If you’re a New York Red Bulls fan or American soccer writer, you’ve probably heard about RalfBall by now.

If you haven’t, tweet literally anything about the Red Bulls and Once a Metro’s editor-in-chief will clog your mentions with a description and several links (or just read Huan Nguyen’s article about it).

To keep it brief, Sporting Director Ralf Rangnick’s guiding principles of uptempo pressing style and shrewd, cost-effective roster construction have clearly been beneficial to the Red Bull football organization.

RB Leipzig rapidly scaled the German soccer pyramid and won’t be leaving the Bundesliga anytime soon. Red Bull Salzburg is on its way to clinching a 73rd straight Austrian Bundesliga title. The New York Red Bulls have all but clinched the 2018 CONCACAF Champions League, the next dozen or so domestic trophies, and a spot on the first SpaceX trip to Mars.

RalfBall has been such a success that one wonders if it its principles can also extend into real life.

On a recent episode of Seeing Red! – New York’s most hostile podcast towards those suffering from deuteranopia – Connor Lade revealed that his typical Chipotle order consists of a burrito bowl.

According to this highly scientific experiment conducted by Business Insider, the Chipotle burrito bowl has over 70% more food than a burrito.

That is certainly a good deal. And if RalfBall is about one thing, it is being cost-effective. Buy low, sell high. Don’t chase expensive players with declining value.

But does Lade’s burrito bowl order comply with the rest of the core tenets of RalfBall?

AGGRESSIVENESS

Did Lade say “Good evening” to the Chipotle employee or simply barge into his order? Hopefully, it’s the latter. RalfBall is about quickly getting what you want and not waiting for pleasantries.

HIGH ENERGY

How quickly was said burrito bowl consumed? The goal of the gegenpress is to create more opportunities than the opponent. Could a second burrito bowl have been consumed in the time it would take a regularly-paced eater to consume one?

METHODICAL, NOT CHAOTIC

Many believe that a pressing involves a high level of randomness, but not RalfBall. It’s a strict and efficient system. How streamlined was Lade’s arm movement? Did he chew more times than necessary?

NO SOLOISTS

Always remember, “The team is the star.” Did Lade share his burrito bowl with another person or did he eat it himself? Did he order for multiple people or was it a solo trip to Chipotle?

Unfortunately we do not have enough information to know whether or not Lade’s Chipotle process is completely fully aligned with RalfBall principles. For some reason, the Seeing Red! hosts falsely believed their listeners would be more interested in soccer discussion than further examination of an RBNY player’s experiences with fast-casual Mexican cuisine.

Fortunately for Lade, corporate synergy and sharing of ideas are cornerstones of RalfBall. Perhaps some time learning how to properly enjoy Chipotle from Salzburg and Leipzig will have long-term benefits for him and the New York Red Bulls.