The New York Red Bulls are continuing on the long, hard road to Oregon, traveling by wagon to their match against the Portland Timbers.

When we last left off, things were... not going well. Sacha Kljestan and Shaun Wright-Phillips are dead, Luis Robles is exhausted despite being a goalkeeper, and Bradley Wright-Phillips is lost. Under Dax's leadership, the group has traveled a little under 1,000 miles.

Let's check in and see how things are going:

Nope. Rocks are dumb. Also, did we ever get an update on Bradley? Did we just gegenpress on down the road without him or...

GREAT! Not only has Bradley been found, but he has a fever. It's fine, the team is usually better when he's hot.

Wild fruit! This will help Bradley's fever!

"Starve a cold, feed a fever." That's what my mom always said.

Maybe it was "feed a cold, starve a fever." Damn it, Jim. I'm a carpenter, not a doctor.

Anyway, Bradley's dead. No time to mourn. We have a match to get to.

Forts are dumb. To the Green River we go!

With three people dead, I think Luis and Dax have earned a ferry ride and a lot of counseling.

FIVE DOLLARS? Hell no. Just because we're not from around here doesn't mean we're stupid. We don't need your help, ferry operator. We have Dax with his handsome intelligence and Luis with his good hands.

Some stupid river isn't going to stop us.

Is there an undo button on this game? No? Sorry, Luis. Prooooooooooobably should have paid for that ferry. Is it too late to get any replacement pioneers from Argentina?

In case you're keeping count, four Red Bulls have died on the Oregon Trail. Only Dax is left. The Great Ginger Hope is crossing the country in a time before sunscreen was invented.

All alone in the wilderness, Dax is both figuratively and literally lost like Hans Backe in a playoff game.

Now if it was Energy Drink Springs, maybe we'd stop and take a look around.

Amazing. There's one person still left alive on this expedition and he manages to get lost. After so much time spent working on his positional discipline during the off-season, Dax can't stay with the god damn wagon.

Four dead people and you think I'm going to cry about a stupid ox? It's 1848. PETA won't be around for another 132 years. Kill the thing, make some burgers, and let's get moving.

Spend the rest of the money. What good is a budget if you're not going to use all of it?

Twenty cents will be enough spending money when Dax gets to the match. Twenty cents in Portland is like a million dollars in New York City.

That's fine. Keep travelling at a grueling pace. The high press doesn't stop for broken limbs.

Probably should have been doing this the whole time.

Oh, that's reasonable. Three sets of clothing are only worth $60. Is it too late to go back to the guy who was willing to help us cross for $5?

Fair enough. I don't want Dax to die. Everyone else is expendable, but not Dax. Not Dax.

Yay! We made it! Good job, everybody!

Let's celebrate by going hunting!

That was fun! Let's do it again!

Dax is hunting way more animals than he needs to be and is single-handedly endangering the mighty buffalo, but this hunting is cathartic. He needs to blow off some steam because his teammates are dead. It's not like this is going to create any bad karma.

Oh.

So... that's everybody. Dax, Luis, Sacha, Shaun, and Bradley all perished on the Oregon Trail and nobody made it to Portland. On the bright side, at least nobody died of dysentery.

You know, maybe a wagon train isn't the best mode of transportation.

Hmm... definitely needs to be something memorable. Something that will have a lasting impact and teach a lesson to future generations.