The New York Red Bulls are playing the Portland Timbers this weekend. Unfortunately, the club didn't want to waste one of the limited charter flights they're allowed for this particular trip, so they took advantage of an obscure league rule allowing players to travel to one match per season on a Conestoga Wagon.
Five Red Bulls loaded up their belongings and attempted to make the difficult trip to the Rose City. This is their journey:
Well, as we all know, the Red Bulls don't exactly have the highest budget, but they're not the lowest either. So let's go with a mid-level career. Plus, carpenters build things and if Ali Curtis and Jesse Marsch have said it once, they've said it a million times: "We're building a foundation for the future."
This is an obvious choice. Dax is captain and would totally be down for taking a wagon cross country.
Bradley and Shaun Wright-Phillips are here because they're brothers and have always wanted to take a trip like this together. Luis Robles is good with his hands and that'll be useful. Sacha Kljestan has a mustache.
I don't really have a good explanation for why I picked May.
Fair enough, but remember, we've cut spending this year.
Five people, eight oxen. That way if the oxen try to stage a rebellion, our people won't be too outnumbered.
You may think too much money has been spent on clothing, but these are fashionable guys.
Anyway, let's hit the road. We have a match to get to!
So long, Independence!
Uhh, we play an up-tempo and fast-paced game, so obvious we're going to travel up-tempo and fast-paced. Play like an energy drink, travel like an energy drink.
Food will only weigh these guys down for their up-tempo and fast-paced travel.
Cool.
Things are off to a great start. Of course the wheel should be repaired. We don't want to be hobbling around with the Frank Lampard of wagons, do we?
No. Kansas is boring and dumb. I don't want to waste time staring at a river.
I'm not good at math, so I guess we're going to...
Take a ferry.
FIVE DOLLARS? Sir, Austria allots us a yearly budget and this wasn't in our plans. We don't need your help crossing this stupid river.
Damn straight. Is that the best you can throw at us, Oregon Trail?
Pffft. Another river? Big whoop. We're awesome at crossing rivers.
Oh. Uhh... this is awkward.
Sorry, Sacha. You're gegenpressing in heaven now.
That's not a big deal. It's not like soccer players need two of those.
Screw it. We don't need any of this stuff. And no breaks! Keep high pressing the trail!
Whoops. Uhhh... well... whoops. At least we have one Wright-Phillips left. It's why we brought two.
Sorry, Shaun. It was nice having you on the team. That thing you did against the Union was cool. Maybe flying coach would have been a better choice.
Hey, things are looking up! Two players have died, but at least we have fruit.
Status check: Everyone who is still alive is sick and hungry. What's the solution? KEEP PRESSING. If it's a strategy that sent the Red Bulls to the top of the Eastern Conference, then it's a good strategy for traveling the Oregon Trail.
Why? It's a rock that looks like a chimney. We have plenty of those in the New York metropolitan area.
Eeeeeeeeek.
No. We already had two players die on this trip and I don't want anybody getting any ideas.
The keeper has exhaustion. How is that even possible? Get back in the wagon and shut up.
Matches get postponed for thunderstorms all the time, so I suppose it's fair that travel does as well.
DAMN IT, BRADLEY. STAY WITH THE WAGON. We are traveling through 1800s America which is like Tatooine with fewer people. And how do you get lost for three days? Were you guys playing hide and seek, but Dax and Luis really suck at it? Get focused.
Well, as we look for Bradley, I suppose this is a good place to stop for now. Check in tomorrow. Hopefully we'll have found our striker and more people won't die as we attempt to make it to Portland in time for the Timbers match.
