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Your New York Red Bulls that will win the 2015 MLS Cup

A fire and brimstone take on the Red Bulls' prospects. They start with "C" and end with "hampionship"

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Forget what you've read from any other source this year, as this is the only correct opinion. The New York Red Bulls will win the 2015 MLS Cup. Does that sound weird to you? It shouldn't. The Bulls have the best starting 11, best bench, best coaching and, gosh darn it, people like them! You should like them. Check that, you should love them. I love them. I wanna take this championship run out to dinner, go slow-dancing, cuddle on the couch. Hell, I'll even sit through "The Notebook" if that's what this championship run wants to do.

Never mind how the team played at the beginning of the season, the trend is your friend. Call me Ali Curtis, 'cause I'm setting my DraftKings lineup to all Red Bulls! Oh, I guess that's not something you can do, and I'll just have to settle for what I have. Close enough.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself "This dude needs to be brought in for a Rorscach test and a series of other proven psychological evaluations." You'd be correct in that opinion if it applied to everything outside the realm of volcanic soccer takes. I digress. If this Red Bull squad competed in Europe they'd make the Champions League, no problem. At every position RBNY is either the best or bestest. [Editor's Note: What does this even mean?] Put a stamp on it and take it to the bank!

Don't believe the well-deserved praise I've heaped upon this squad of destiny? Have you not had access to internet the past 6 months? Possibly, you're new here and to the whole #NYisRed phenomenon. No problem. I have put together handy player profiles for those in the know and those who are new to the show.

GK - Luis Robles - You can't spell Robles without 'R-O-B'. As in, "Robles just Robbed [Player X] from scoring!" The perennial MLS Save of the Week nominee could stop a steamroller from getting across his line. With 26 league shutouts, he surpasses my favorite MetroStar of all time, Tony Meola.

Height: 6'1"

Weight: 180

Horoscope: Taurus

Did you know?: If Luis could have one superpower it would be the ability to read minds.

D - Connor Lade - He holds down the right flank of the Red Bull defense like fellow Morris County man Steve Forbes held down the right flank of the Republican party. The greatest academy product that the Red Bulls, nay, all teams have ever produced. His soccer IQ is off the charts. Exhibit A: Connor Lade goes after the opponent's best player.

Also, his stature makes him indispensable when the team needs provisions fished out of the basement.

Height: 5' 7"

Weight: 145

Horoscope: Scorpio

Did you know?: At a young age, Connor wanted to be a veterinarian.

D - Matt Miazga - The best young American defender you may have heard of. The Clifton Catastrophe has a way of leaving offenders in stitches. And he can score goals too! As a damn defender!

Some may credit Marsch's "HIGH PRESSURE" coaching style, others, however, allude to Klejstan's mustache.

Height: 6'3"

Weight: 185

Horoscope: Cancer

Most Recent Tweet Favorited: A jersey gift to a fan.

Did you know?: Mateusz speaks fluent Polish.

D - Damien Perrinelle - He could take Conor McGregor in a fight. On second thought...

Height: 6'1"

Weight: 170

Horoscope: Virgo

Did you know?: You can order an exclusive Damien Perrinelle poster here!

D - Anthony Wallace - Born in Brooklyn, grew up in Florida, he's got the whole "long distance" thing down.

He's practically a snowbird!

Height: 5'11"

Weight: 160

Horoscope: Aquarius

Did you know?: Anthony Wallace opts for the long sleeves, as would I.

M - Dax McCarty - It's really difficult to find leaders in the MLS. It's even more difficult to find Daxes in the MLS. The rarity of those two conditions has led New York to a period of stability and prosperity unbeknownst to a New York team at anytime in history.


Source: Dax McCarty - Twitter

I will take orders from that man all day, everyday!

M - Felipe - A two-time Canadian Champion, along with Karl Ouimette, he made an IMPACT! with MONTREAL! The astute salesman could sell soup to the devil!

Also, he comes from Brazil, so, that helps.

M -Lloyd Sam - Averages one goal every 3 games. Just imagine if everybody were that productive. 3.33 Goals per game for the team. He's more than goals, too! It's moves like his that gets you on Dancing With the Stars.

M -Sacha Kljestan - Chris Christie, Dick Vitale, Max Weinberg, and Chuck Connors aren't the only gifts that Seton Hall has given the world. Sacha, as well as older brother Gordon Kljestan enjoyed the South Orange scenery when he matriculated.

There's no way I can succinctly describe the brilliance of Kljestan, but, this 10 minute, not so bad, MLS feature is pretty good. Plus, you get to see Jesse Marsch: the player and Jesse Marsch: the assistant who cut Sacha from the MNT.

M - Mike Grella - You can't spell "GREatest of ALL time, Anywhere" without Grella.

Mike Grella: The Loot Lifestylin', Pimpongs Profilin', Sick dribblin', Goal kickin' machine. WOOOO!

If you've got to this "Mike Grella" you've gone too far.

F - Bradley Wright-Phillips - The most potent goal scorer New York has ever seen. Last year's 27 is a difficult task, but 4 in the playoffs (4 games) is most impressive. At least to me it is. A man on a mission. Someone who knows how to get things done. The greatest hyphenated New Yorker since Verrazano-Narrows! And now the third highest goalscorer in franchise history. Most importantly, A Lord of the Mic!

F - Shaun Wright-Phillips - Bradley Wright-Phillips' brother. See below.

M - Sal ZizzoFrom Wikipedia:

Zizzo holds both American and Italian citizenship, as both his parents were born in Palermo, Sicily. This helped with negotiating a contract in Europe with Hannover 96. In November 2013 Zizzo married American actress Destiny Moniz. Also at Sporting Kansas City he began a talk show with Benny Feilhaber being the host while he was the musical guest with an unplugged keyboard lip syncing to songs with Benny dancing. They named the show The Benny Feilhaber Show ft. Sal Zizzo. His signature style is wearing sunglasses inside.

Something tells me that Benny Feilhaber wrote that. Irrelevant. Sal makes up one half of the "Best Parents Ever"! We'll just pretend this didn't happen.

M - Gonzalo Veron - Heck yes! The front office spent money to placate the Twitter haters! (Sarcasm -->) Maybe they actually wanna win a title this year. (<-- Sarcasm) While the sample size is small he shows promise for the team.

The goal is a run of the mill rebound putaway, but the pass beforehand, and the speed to split the defense is another tool in the box for master mechanic Marsch. Like a 90 PSI, 50 FT Plasma Torch!

D - Kemar Lawrence - The best young Jamaican you may have heard of.

Did Kemar Lawrence just save a goal? Is Shep Messing the Magnum P.I. of soccer?

F - Anatole Abang - Barely old enough to drink, in Canada no less, Anatole has put together many quality parries for the home team. It's been said that he likes to end games with a bang!

Time to expand that trophy case, New York.


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